H G Nelson
He's the straight-talking sports pundit who goes in hard, early and often, discovers Luke Benedictus
Which Olympic events are you most looking forward to this year? Well, they're all so good, so good. I'd like to think our girls could bring home the gold in synchronised swimming this year. That would be a terrific result. In fact, I'd probably trade a couple of Grant Hackett's medals for that. Obviously the dressage always brings the tension. The big disappointment for me, that hasn't really got the attention it deserves, is that Ringwood Cockatoo - the horse that won gold for Australia in Athens - has sadly broken down and won't be going. Now I'm concerned that this gold in the dressage that we already had in our hip pocket might prove a bit more elusive. It's very sad.
Are modern sportsmen worse behaved these days or just subject to greater media scrutiny? You look at Barry Hall playing for the Sydney Swans. Now in a long time of watching AFL, I've never seen anyone knocked out in the same way that he punched Brent Staker. This year we had bullets being fired at rugby league players outside the Sapphire Lounge in Kings Cross. Unfortunately I think this sort of thing becomes grist to the showbiz mill very quickly. In general, when it comes to players' behaviour in public, the tide comes in and the tides goes out. Sometimes there's a period where they behave poorly and other times there's been a period where they behave well. People forget now that Ricky Ponting was found drunk and bashed in the Bourbon & Beefsteak. But admittedly he was having to do the drinking for the whole Australian cricket team because they'd become such a bunch of wowsers.
You've entertained lots of drunken crowds on the after-dinner speaking circuit, from Lachlan Murdoch's bucks' night to Sydney Fashion Week. What's the secret? The main thing is to try and get on before 9.30pm because after that no one gives a fuck. After that, everyone's had a couple of drinks and they're thinking how am I going to get home, can I go home with Sharon, what happens if she says no - all that sort of stuff. So you need to have it all done by 9.30pm. The other thing to remember is that a million sins in content will be forgiven with an enthusiastic delivery.
You describe yourself as a "local government freak". What would you do if you were mayor of Sydney? I'd certainly try to have a Local Government Week that would be on a similar scale to World Youth Day and invite local government representatives from all over Australia. First I'd like to re-stage some of the memorable local debates word-for-word. Terrific! Then it would be great to have some competitions. For example, it would be nice to establish once and for all who is Australia's fastest mayor. Perhaps I'd host a pie-eating contest for mayors too.
It'd drum up a bit of interest anyway. Well actually I think more people would get interested in local government if they realised what a turn-on the mayoral robes are. In fact, they're a bit of an aphrodisiac. If you're having a bit of trouble cot-side then you should try taking home the mayoral robes. And don't try and tell me Clover Moore doesn't take the robes home from time to time either.
HG Nelson's new book Sprays: A Collection of Verbal Touch-Ups (Pan Macmillan) is out now.