Different outcomes
Coming out of the closet isn't easy, as those who have crept bashfully or leapt proudly through its doors will tell you. Not sure how to do it? Andrew Georgiou offers some light-hearted advice on how to break the news
Steve Ostrow was outed on TV
1: The family Outing
Nothing makes the Yuletide gayer than a Christmas outing. Coming out to loved ones is best exercised during large family gatherings where the presence of a dysfunctional relative might take some of the heat away from your announcement. Wait for your slutty teenage cousin to tell her mother she's pregnant or your drunk uncle to throw up on grandma before you drop the bomb. Remember someone else's explosion can make your news sound like a cap gun going off under a pillow. Attaching ‘and...' to your announcement is also a great deflection tactic. "I'm gay and voted for Family First" is foolproof. "I'm a lesbian and I think Sigrid Thornton should play Dawn Fraser in a telemovie about Olympic swimmers" replaces shock with confusion.
By the time people stop arguing with you, or even understand the Sigi-Dawn line, your sexuality is yesterday's news.
2: A good work Out
There are some work environments, which prove more difficult then others to come out in - like the Vatican for example.
Outing via technology can be a less confrontational way to tell your colleagues you're gay. A group email, with the subject heading "I'm not straight" accompanied by a photo of yourself in leather chaps may seem extreme, but there's no ambiguity there. Even the cat lady in accounts payable will take a break from Solitaire to read it. A social work function, such as the boss's wedding is a perfect outing opportunity.
Ask the newlyweds if you can cut in during the wedding waltz and dance up a storm with the boss. Be sure to ‘dip' him during Lionel Ritchie's ‘Hello' and show the entire office that you're a ‘top'.
For the testosterone-driven workplace such as a building site, switching the daily workplace radio dribble for a mix tape of Donna Summer, Liza and the Pet Shop Boys should drop more than a subtle hint. If not, make like a Roman in Rome and bring in some girly mags - without the girls. DNA, Honcho, or Man Inches magazine should do the trick.
3 The best buddy
Before you even attempt this, be warned that the moment you come out to your best friend of the same sex, he or she is going to think you have always wanted to shag them. If the ego trip aids the situation, let them believe it for an hour or so. When the revelation sets in, the most ridiculous questions will arise, such as: "Do you think I'm good looking?" or "Does this shirt match my belt?" Suddenly your outing thunder has been stolen and it's all about them. Your phone number will be put on speed dial for dating, dressing and dumping emergencies, because as everyone knows, the gays dress like David Beckham, work the dance floor like Jennifer Beal, and deal with emotional crises like Oprah.
4 Neighbourhood watch
Coming out to a new neighbour requires a level of research before The Announcement. Try a week's worth of eavesdropping through the walls to get a feel for whom you are dealing with. If you hear talkback radio, chances are you are going to have to break them in gently, they may have already been brainwashed by a homophobic radio jock. If you hear Anton Enus presenting SBS World news, you'd be safe to rock on over and ask for a cup of sugar. Hear the theme song to Will and Grace booming through the window? Cut to the chase and ask them on a date. Joining a Neighbourhood Watch committee is also a good lead in and may see you score brownie points with even the most conservative neighbour. Every nana knows that a nosey queen makes for a safer street.